Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Me...what's going on

“I am a failure, I am broken, I am scared, I am lost, I am excited, I am anxious, I am fearful of my future and ashamed of my past, but most importantly I am loved, I am forgiven, I am redeemed.”

I kept repeating that over and over to myself as I walked back to work. I’m at a new point in my life, a point of identity crisis, which is very painful and wonderful all at the same time. I had a meeting with someone today to let him know who I was. I wanted to let him know who I was because I think it is important for people to know who is involved in their community. So I let him know where I’d been and where I am now. Where I am going is the great mystery though. I find myself at a weird spot a crossroads of sorts, wrestling my past, present, and future. The result is exhaustion. I walked away feeling good, I let him know 100% who I was and where I’d been. I walked away feeling insecure, I let him know 100% who I was and where I’d been.

Insight struck me like one of the cars passing by had lost control and pinned my to the ground which for me was reality. Reality is just like the road, hard, unforgiving, and painful to be slammed into. The reality is that I am not who I used to be and that I am becoming a different person, my lifestyle and preferences are changing. I am not who I was, but I am unsure of who I am, so naturally I try to relate to who I was, which is not who I am anymore. When will this end, when will I stop going through all this, maybe when I feel like I belong again. Right now I do not have a sense of purpose. I am desperately looking for that and maybe that is what all this stems from. My identity does not come from what I do though, it comes from who I am and who I am is a forgiven child of God. I am being taken through a life transition right now and need to be patient for understanding and purpose. So if you think to, please pray with me for a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging, and a sense of peace for where I find myself right now…please pray that I have patience to wait for that to happen in His time and not mine.

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