Sunday, November 4, 2007

Why this?

I ask myself that questions all the time…I’ve cried myself to sleep with this question…I’ve left others in tears and ask myself…why this? Why is this my struggle? Why is the sin I wrestle with most not something I can see, feel, touch, avoid? It’s not gambling, porn, drug addiction, or any other form of sin that a person can look at and decide to do something different. It’s my tongue. I can’t not talk, I can’t not feel. I decide within myself for some reason that it is okay for me to say exactly what I think, when I think it around those I care for. Like for some reason I justify it by saying well, “This is my personality, I just tell people how I feel, I’m an open communicator.” What a load of, well, you know.

This morning a friend of mine that I would consider almost like a brother and I have a disagreement and I just snap at him and tell him that he is being selfish about a decision and he’s being a jerk. Truth be told, his decision making was a little selfish and he was coming off as not concerned about other people’s feelings. Here is where I through myself into hot water though… We are in a room full of people and I decide in that moment, on impulse, as an emotional response, to tell him how I feel. So I rip him open and sink my teeth in. Bad Adam bad! Shame on you right? Well, it gets worse…

His sister, who I am actually closer to, she is one of my best friends, truly, rightfully pulls me aside and tells me that I need to chill out and not be so harsh to him in front of other people. Well, in the moment, my pride flares and I justify everything, “I’m tired of him whining, I’m this, I’m that…” See the trend in the expressions of my feelings? The words “I” and “me” play huge roles in them. So I interrupt her and say, “Don’t tell me about the chip in my eye when there is a log in yours!” I didn’t say this because I think she has this same issue or that she has mess in her life that she should fix before she talks to me. I said this because I knew it would hurt. So we part ways, but only momentarily. She comes back to me and request to talk for a minute. So here I am leaning on a counter watching tears fill her eyes. Her eyes fill with water from the wound I administered, the blow I decided I would give. So as I write this I’m a recipient of my own punishment and have to wipe those same tears from my face. Well almost, the same, I don’t cry because I’m hurt, I cry because I hurt others, I’m ashamed of myself. So here is my confession…

It’s amazing how a man sitting in a dark room I’m sure, thousands of years ago wrote this little letter and that letter now affects me, that letter now scolds me. The Spirit is kicking me across my apartment right now with verses from James non-stop, like I’m being shot with an automatic riffle, bullet after bullet. Most who know me, know my struggle and know how much I do really care about others, how much passion I have for following Jesus, they know I’d rather hurt than see others feel pain. So they may think that I’m being too harsh on myself. Please allow me to be if I am, please allow me to be hurt and ashamed, for if I continue to justify the wicked within myself it looks a lot less toxic than it really is. Then six months down the road, my tongue may take over again and start a fire that burns up a relationship, scars a friendship, milks tears of hurt…

I hate my struggle, it’s not something that’s easy to deal with, my tongue is an untamable beast, it is something small that can control my entire body, it can build up or tear down things, it is something I must use, not something I can avoid all together. It is my weakness, my struggle, a reminder of the boy I was before Jesus. So as I sit here ashamed of my tongue and the way I can sometimes hurt people, I hope you can learn from me and watch yours. Read James, great book!

No comments:

Post a Comment